In the first couple weeks of visiting the Gurudwara, I got a lot of “Punjabi aundi hai?” A valid, harmless question at first. It translates to 'do you speak Punjabi'.
I used to put my head down and shake it side to side. The classic two-fold Indian nod, fitting for both yes-and-no purposes.
Little did I know it will unravel multiple layers of my identity.
For long I have felt like an imposter. Like I was following a religion that “wasn’t mine in the first place”.
I’d understand why you were doing this if it was your religion to begin with, but its not, so why? (i.e., if you were Sikh). This underlies that there is no underlying obligation that necessitates me to do the things I am doing, to make the changes I am making in my life.
I have felt like I was lying about who I was. But now I realise that there is ample space in our Guru’s Darbar. I imagine it to be an endless garden with such vastness of space we can all rest our heavy heads on the healing ground laden with healing petals.
Oh so did you convert then?
No, I am not an initiated Sikh. Conversion is a transition from A to B. I don’t feel like I have converted because this is the only real thing I’ve ever felt. From the time I ever started truly feeling- feeling something bigger than myself.
Being the most authentic version of yourself can be hard. But Sikhi has always taken pride in and championed having a unique identity. So how can it ever take away from mine?
I am a proud Sindhi, and Sikhi doesn’t take away from that. It only adds to my identity.
This article only speaks to my personal experience. If I have made any mistakes or incorrect references, these are down to my own assumptions, interpretations and awareness (or lack thereof), and do not in any way reflect on the teachings of Sikhi for these are perfect.
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